If you are part of a charismatic church or have visited one you might have noticed that some Corinthian behavior is present. Most popular of those is speaking in tongues and other various manifestations. (Although, not the sexual behaviors…..the denominational churches have the deviant sexual behavior of the Corinthians church taken care of already).
What you might not know is that the list of spiritual gifts in 1 Corinthians 12:4-11 is not an exhaustive list. Paul obviously was not aware that the 20th and 21st century would bring with them an addendum of gifts, in addition to the old ones; IE, wisdom, knowledge, healing, etc…..Here are a few that can be added to the list.
1. Instant Sleep
Instant sleep is a special manifestation of the HS that enables a person to fall directly asleep no matter what the time and location is.
How does it work?
The process is not concrete just yet but here are few requirements you are going to need or at least want to have.
- Someone speaking in tongues nearby
- A pastor who yells really loud
- Someone to push you into your spiritual bed and cover you with blankets
The sleeper is obtained typically through very exciting music and hoards of people speaking loudly in tongues all around you. You will need to find a pastor to yell at you (essential to the process) and then he needs to put you to bed. This is done simply by pushing on the forehead. In cases where the pastor and/or person is extra close to the Lord, they can just blow in the forehead and voila! Fast asleep!
Hey, that’s not in the Bible!
You should know by now that all the REAL movements of the HS are outside biblical reason. You just have to have child-like faith…..and stop questioning things.
God loves rest. In fact, he took a whole day to rest (or cease depending on the Hebrew interpretation). So how much more should us non-God beings require a break? And what better time is there to take a nap than right in the middle of a church service!!
Not all churches practice instant sleep, though. If you have questions ask a licensed Pentecostal minister and also check for alternative definitions of this gift as …..
- Slain in the spirit
- Laying on of hands
- Being delivered
- The fish flop
2. Praying With the Force
Praying with the force is a simple maneuver by which masses or even a single person can extend a hand towards and object and directly infuse that object with Holy Spirit hulk power! I am not entirely sure why this phenomenon exists but I am sure it’s more effective than sitting in the pew with your hands in your pants thinking about Sunday kick-off time.
How does it work?
Have you seen Harry Potter yet? Yup, pretty much the same thing except you don’t need a magic stick, and you don’t have to memorize spells because the groaning of the HS takes care of all that vocabulary stuff.
Hey, that’s not in the Bible!
Witchcraft, curses, blessings, and more! They are all there! Ohh but what about the whole praying with the force thing? On that we are going to have to take a note from the Catholics and just tell you that tradition is equally important as the scriptures. As long as the church does something long enough it doesn’t matter what the Bible says.
3. Getting Drunk in the Spirit (AKA getting Crunk for Christ)
Getting Crunk for Christ is not only a gift of the spirit, but you can’t even be considered spiritually gifted unless you can drink a 5th of the spirit and keep on standing. Be careful though, many have been injured by drinking too much and had a kerfuffle while under the influence.
How does it work?
Getting drunk in the spirit is simple. First you will need some Holy Ghost music. This is best achieved through a gospel or soul pianist/organist. Next you need to start running/dancing around the sanctuary in a circle just like Jericho. Lastly, you are going to need someone to run around hitting you with a Holy Spirit sport jacket like Benny Hinn. Benny really has a monopoly on this spiritual gift. You can do it in other ways, but if in doubt let Benny take you out!
Hey, That’s not in the Bible!
It really depends on the translation. For extra ambiguity and so that I can insert my own interpretation to each verse, I prefer the message. It is clearly the best choice for Christians like myself who would much prefer to have their Bible adjusted to fit their needs.
Final Comments
This is a satyrical post. If you are offended or are a member of the grammar nazi feel free to post your rage below.
As you should! Verify everything with scripture!
If it's not supported by scripture, I hesitate to believe any of it.
For those who are not already familiar with the gifts passage…
1 Corinthians 12:4-11
There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. 5 There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 6 There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.
7 Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 8 To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, 9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, 10 to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. 11 All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.
Kerfuffle is my favorite word!
Gary turned me onto that word :)
He is entertaining to listen too!