5 Bible Verses That Will Melt Your Brain

As indicated in the title, some passages simply make little to no sense to the modern reader. Some of them eventually become understandable as time passes and we learn more about the culture in which the people live. However, some passages may never make a lot of sense. Here are some of my favorites.

[5] Deuteronomy 23:1

“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”

OK, looks like we are off to a smashing start!

There are a lot of rules that God gave to the Israelites. And according to this verse, God demands that if you no longer have reproductive equipment, you’re not welcomed. Yea, that totally makes sense. After all, ……….hey wait a minute, that doesn’t make a lick of sense!

So, if they have been involved in an ball crushing accident they have no place in the assembly of God? They will either assimilate into another tribe or die in the desert (the place where demons come from)? That makes about as much sense as….. well as much as the next passage in this entry.

[4] Exodus 4:24-26

“At a lodging place on the way the Lord met him and sought to put him to death. 25 Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’ feet with it and said, ‘Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me!’ 26 So he let him alone. It was then that she said, ‘A bridegroom of blood,’ because of the circumcision.”

Ok, so far both verses are about male genitalia. Totally unplanned, I promise! We enter into a scene where God for one reason or another wanted to kill Moses while he was on his way to meet with Pharaoh. Just by reading the passage I am inclined to think that God was ticked off because Moses had not yet circumcised his son. Ticked off enough that he was going to kill Moses!

But the really psychotic part is what his wife, Zipporah, does once God begins to pursue Moses. She rushed to grab a flint stone and then hastily cut off her son’s penis foreskin. Then, like the crazy lady, touches Moses’ feet with it. What that had to do with anything, I have no idea.

Let us just imagine for a second that you’re Moses’ son. You’re chilling out on the camel skin couch and out of nowhere your dad starts writhing in pain. Then without warning, your mom charges at you with a ritual flint stone and goes right for your junk!!

Exodus 4 rage face meme
Yea, that’s about the reaction I am sure she got.

OK, let’s recap. God get’s pretty upset if you have no balls. But he will lose his mind and absolutely kill you if you don’t get your junk cut up right! Off to a good start here. Onto the next verse.

[3] Leviticus 12:1-5

“The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, “Speak to the people of Israel, saying, If a woman conceives and bears a male child, then she shall be unclean seven days. As at the time of her menstruation, she shall be unclean. And on the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised (<–Old news for readers of this blog entry). Then she shall continue for thirty-three days in the blood of her purifying. She shall not touch anything holy, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying are completed. But if she bears a female child, then she shall be unclean two weeks.”

In the old desert wondering days it was perfectly normal for people to become ritually unclean. So this verse does not seem that strange….. that is, not until God’s new declaration turned out be completely sexist! Apparently just the fact that women have vaginas makes them unclean one week out of the month. Giving birth made them unclean for a week also. Unless, of course, she gave birth to a bouncing baby girl. In that case her sentence was doubled!


 [2] 2 Kings 2:23-24

“Then he (Elisha) went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” 24 So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.”

uuuhhhh, wait a tick. Did the author of Kings just say that the Lord and Elisha just triple-teamed a school of young boys with two female bears? Yea, that’s pretty much what just happened. Here is a fun quandary: if “SOME” youths are mocking Elisha, why did the two bears end up killing FOURTY freaking TWO of them!? A bit unnecessary?

Bear kills 42 people in 2 Kings

[1] Ezekiel 23:19

“Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.”

Confused black girl

To be clear, this passage serves as a metaphor for Israel. Having said that, this passage should be banned from Sunday School.

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