{"id":793,"date":"2012-07-21T16:12:17","date_gmt":"2012-07-21T16:12:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.dustoffthebible.com\/?p=793"},"modified":"2019-10-24T21:35:02","modified_gmt":"2019-10-25T01:35:02","slug":"jerks-of-the-bible-series-entry-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/2012\/07\/21\/jerks-of-the-bible-series-entry-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Jerks Of The Bible Series | Entry #1: Absalom"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

We often associate the Biblical characters with vast amounts of piety and holiness. We think of guys like Moses who parted the Red Sea (or possibly Sea of Reeds). And what about Joshua the brave? He courageously entered the promised land, leading the Israelites into a victorious battle for the land flowing with milk and honey. These are fun people to explore. But this is dedicated to the other fun sub-set of Bible characters; The Jerks!<\/p>\n

\n

\"Absalom<\/a><\/p>\n

Absalom<\/h1>\n

Absalom was unlike any biblical person you have ever met. For one, he was totally full of himself. Secondly, even the biblical author who wrote 2 Samuel seemed to agree that he was a beautiful\u00a0thoroughbred\u00a0of a\u00a0mammal.<\/p>\n

2 Samuel 14:25-26 <\/strong>\u00a0In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him.\u00a026\u00a0<\/sup>Whenever he cut the hair of his head\u00a0\u2014he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him\u2014he would weigh it\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

And another thing, he was a complete diabolical\u00a0genius.<\/p>\n

Why he is a jerk<\/h2>\n

1.\u00a0He plotted the murder of his own brother for two long years.
\n2. He lead a coup against his own father’s empire.
\n3. He slept with his father’s wives\/concubines.
\n4. He set an innocent man’s fields on fire.
\n5. He was completely full of himself.<\/p>\n

Background<\/h2>\n

Absalom Kills Amnon<\/h5>\n

23<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>Two years later, when Absalom\u2019s sheepshearers\u00a0were at Baal Hazor near the border of Ephraim, he invited all the king\u2019s sons to come there.\u00a024\u00a0<\/sup><\/strong>Absalom went to the king and said, \u201cYour servant has had shearers come. Will the king and his attendants please join me?\u201d\u00a025<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>\u201cNo, my son,\u201d the king replied. \u201cAll of us should not go; we would only be a burden to you.\u201d Although Absalom urged him, he still refused to go but gave him his blessing.\u00a0<\/strong>26<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>Then Absalom said, \u201cIf not, please let my brother Amnon come with us.\u201d\u00a0The king asked him, \u201cWhy should he go with you?\u201d\u00a027<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>But Absalom urged him, so he sent with him Amnon and the rest of the king\u2019s sons.<\/em><\/p>\n

28\u00a0<\/sup><\/strong>Absalom\u00a0ordered his men, \u201cListen! When Amnon is in high\u00a0spirits from drinking wine and I say to you, \u2018Strike Amnon down,\u2019 then kill him. Don\u2019t be afraid. Haven\u2019t I given you this order? Be strong and brave.\u00a0\u201d\u00a029<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>So Absalom\u2019s men did to Amnon what Absalom had ordered. Then all the king\u2019s sons got up, mounted their mules and fled.\u00a030<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>While they were on their way, the report came to David: \u201cAbsalom has struck down all the king\u2019s sons; not one of them is left.\u201d\u00a031<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>The king stood up, tore\u00a0his clothes and lay down on the ground; and all his attendants stood by with their clothes torn.<\/em><\/p>\n

32<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>But Jonadab son of Shimeah, David\u2019s brother, said, \u201cMy lord should not think that they killed all the princes; only Amnon is dead. This has been Absalom\u2019s express intention ever since the day Amnon raped his sister Tamar.\u00a033<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>My lord the king should not be concerned about the report that all the king\u2019s sons are dead. Only Amnon is dead.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

34<\/strong>\u00a0<\/sup>Meanwhile, Absalom had fled<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

More Jerkery!<\/h3>\n

After escaping Jerusalem for 3 years, waiting for his father (king David) to cool off a bit, he relocated back to Jerusalem and started a family. After some time he wanted to sent word to his father that he wanted to be reunited, but the desired messenger was Joab, the king’s 2nd in command. Joab ignored his requests. He ignored Absalom until Absalom decided to send a personal message to by setting Joab’s barely fields on fire! After having his fields set afire, Joab decided to go see what Absalom wanted.\u00a0 (2 Samuel 14<\/strong>)<\/p>\n

Not convinced of his jerkery just yet? Absalom and his father\u00a0eventually\u00a0did reunite and Absalom jerk-tastically devised a grass roots program to steal his father’s throne!!<\/p>\n

2 Samuel 15:1-4<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0In the course of time,\u00a0Absalom provided himself with a chariot\u00a0and horses and with fifty men to run ahead of him.\u00a02\u00a0<\/sup>He would get up early and stand by the side of the road leading to the city gate.\u00a0Whenever anyone came with a complaint to be placed before the king for a decision, Absalom would call out to him, \u201cWhat town are you from?\u201d He would answer, \u201cYour servant is from one of the tribes of Israel.\u201d\u00a03\u00a0<\/sup>Then Absalom would say to him, \u201cLook, your claims are valid and proper, but there is no representative of the king to hear you.\u201d\u00a04\u00a0<\/sup>And Absalom would add, \u201cIf only I were appointed judge in the land!\u00a0Then everyone who has a complaint or case could come to me and I would see that they receive justice.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Absalom’s Finest Feat<\/h3>\n

Keep reading the story and you will find that the coup was so well put together that David had to flee the land while in hot pursuit. And what did Absalom do while King David was on the run? He did what any jerk-faced spoiled son would do to steal his father’s throne…..he slept with his wives (concubines)!<\/p>\n

2\u00a0Samuel\u00a016:22<\/strong> So they pitched a tent for Absalom on the roof, and he slept with his father\u2019s concubines in the sight of all Israel.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I don’t know about you, but sleeping with your father’s live-in girl friend(s) might put you in deep trouble, but in biblical times it was a sign of power and you better believe Absalom was sending \u00a0a message to his pops. Perhaps also setting up the best joke of all time; he could now play the “I slept with your Mom<\/em>” card on just about every young adult that lived in the palace. Now that is real power!<\/p>\n

But like every other story about King David in the Bible, somehow the adulterous murdering king comes out on top. In one of the most EPIC and ironic endings of all Bible stories ever, Absalom ends up getting caught up in a tree by his hair while David’s warriors are chasing him down. Despite David’s command to bring him back alive, the servants decide to take\u00a0vigilante\u00a0justice out on him and they slayed him while helplessly hanging by his\u00a0beautiful\u00a0long locks. (2 Samuel 18:14<\/strong>)<\/p>\n

\n