{"id":698,"date":"2012-06-26T14:36:59","date_gmt":"2012-06-26T18:36:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.dustoffthebible.com\/?p=698"},"modified":"2015-11-14T14:03:20","modified_gmt":"2015-11-14T18:03:20","slug":"3-gifts-of-the-holy-spirit-they-never-told-you-about-in-corinthians","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/2012\/06\/26\/3-gifts-of-the-holy-spirit-they-never-told-you-about-in-corinthians\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Gifts of the Holy Spirit They Never Told You About In Corinthians"},"content":{"rendered":"<hr \/>\n<p>If you are part of a\u00a0charismatic\u00a0church or have\u00a0visited\u00a0one you might have noticed that some Corinthian behavior is present. Most popular of those is speaking in tongues and other various manifestations. (Although, not the sexual behaviors&#8230;..the\u00a0denominational\u00a0churches have the\u00a0deviant\u00a0sexual behavior of the Corinthians church taken care of already).<\/p>\n<p>What you might not know is that the list of spiritual gifts in <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">1 Corinthians 12:4-11<\/span> is not an exhaustive list. Paul obviously was not aware that the 20th and 21st century would bring with them an\u00a0addendum\u00a0of gifts, in addition to the old ones; IE, wisdom, knowledge, healing, etc&#8230;..<span style=\"line-height: 24px;\">Here are a few that can be added to the list.<\/span><!--more--><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h2><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">1. Instant Sleep<\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Instant sleep is a special manifestation of the HS that enables a person to fall directly asleep no matter what the time and location is.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>How does it work?<\/strong><\/span><br \/>\nThe process is not concrete just yet but here are few requirements you are going to need or at least want to have.<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Someone speaking in tongues nearby<\/li>\n<li>A pastor who yells really loud<\/li>\n<li>Someone to push you into your spiritual bed and cover you with blankets<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><center><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/ZFnpMqW_hh8\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe><\/center>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>The sleeper is obtained typically through very exciting music and hoards of people speaking loudly in tongues all around you. You will need to find a pastor to yell at you (essential to the process) and then he needs to put you to bed. This is done simply by pushing on the forehead. In cases where the pastor and\/or person is extra close to the Lord, they can just blow in the forehead and voila! Fast asleep!<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>Hey, that&#8217;s not in the Bible!<\/strong><\/span><br \/>\nYou should know by now that all the REAL movements of the HS are outside biblical reason. You just have to have child-like faith&#8230;..and stop questioning things.<\/p>\n<p>God loves rest. In fact, he took a whole day to rest (or cease depending on the Hebrew interpretation). So how much more should us non-God beings require a break? \u00a0And what better time is there to take a nap than right in the middle of a church service!!<\/p>\n<p>Not all churches practice instant sleep, though. If you have questions ask a licensed\u00a0Pentecostal\u00a0minister and also check for alternative definitions of this gift as &#8230;..<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Slain in the spirit<\/li>\n<li>Laying on of hands<\/li>\n<li>Being delivered<\/li>\n<li>The fish flop<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h2><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">2. Praying With the Force<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/praying-hands-forward.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignleft size-thumbnail wp-image-2134\" src=\"http:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/praying-hands-forward-150x150.jpg\" alt=\"praying hands forward\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/praying-hands-forward-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/praying-hands-forward-80x80.jpg 80w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Praying with the force is a simple\u00a0maneuver by which masses or even a single person can extend a hand towards and object and directly infuse that object with Holy Spirit hulk power! I am not entirely sure why this phenomenon exists but I am sure it&#8217;s more effective than sitting in the pew with your hands in your pants thinking about Sunday kick-off time.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>How does it work?<\/strong><\/span><br \/>\nHave you seen Harry Potter yet? Yup, pretty much the same thing except you don&#8217;t need a magic stick, and you don&#8217;t have to memorize spells because the\u00a0groaning\u00a0of the HS takes care of all that vocabulary stuff.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>Hey, that&#8217;s not in the Bible!<\/strong><\/span><br \/>\nWitchcraft, \u00a0curses, blessings, \u00a0and more! They are all there! Ohh but what about the whole praying with the force thing? On that we are going to have to take a note from the Catholics and just tell you that tradition is equally important as the scriptures. As long as the church does something long enough it doesn&#8217;t matter what the Bible says.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h2><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">3. Getting Drunk in the Spirit (AKA getting Crunk for Christ)<\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Getting Crunk for Christ is not only a gift of the spirit, but you can&#8217;t even be considered spiritually gifted unless you can drink a 5th of the spirit and keep on standing. Be careful though, many have been injured by drinking too much and had a kerfuffle while under the influence.<\/p>\n<p><center><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/X2V7KbbfRHA\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe><\/center>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">How does it work?<\/span><br \/>\n<\/strong>Getting drunk in the spirit is simple. First you will need some Holy Ghost music. This is best achieved through a gospel or soul pianist\/organist. Next you need to start running\/dancing around the sanctuary in a circle just like Jericho. Lastly, you are going to need someone to run around hitting you with a Holy Spirit sport jacket like Benny Hinn. Benny really has a monopoly on this spiritual gift. You can do it in other ways, but if in doubt let Benny take you out!<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>Hey, That&#8217;s not in the Bible!<\/strong><\/span><br \/>\nIt really depends on the translation. For extra\u00a0ambiguity\u00a0and so that I can insert my own\u00a0interpretation\u00a0to each verse, I prefer the message. It is clearly the best choice for Christians like myself who would much prefer to have their Bible adjusted to fit their needs.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h3>Final Comments<\/h3>\n<p>This is a satyrical post. If you are offended or are a member of the grammar nazi feel free to post your rage below.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you are part of a\u00a0charismatic\u00a0church or have\u00a0visited\u00a0one you might have noticed that some Corinthian behavior is present. Most popular of those is speaking in tongues and other various manifestations. (Although, not the sexual behaviors&#8230;..the\u00a0denominational\u00a0churches have the\u00a0deviant\u00a0sexual behavior of the Corinthians church taken care of already). What you might not know is that the list &#8230; <a title=\"3 Gifts of the Holy Spirit They Never Told You About In Corinthians\" class=\"read-more\" href=\"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/2012\/06\/26\/3-gifts-of-the-holy-spirit-they-never-told-you-about-in-corinthians\/\" aria-label=\"More on 3 Gifts of the Holy Spirit They Never Told You About In Corinthians\">Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3270,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4,273,433,10,19,20],"tags":[34,871,58,64,351,877,376,873,874,104,868,113,878,163,872,870,198,373,203,317,869,875,876],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/698"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=698"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/698\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3270"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=698"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=698"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dustoffthebible.com\/Blog-archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=698"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}